(PAM)

We've been hiking for a while now and we've barely said two words to each other. Why doesn't that surprise me? Maybe because it's a Joe Ross trademark to clam up and keep everything inside. Heaven forbid he should show any weakness around me.

The scenery more than makes up for the lack of conversation. Every once in a while there is a glimpse of the azure ocean. Even after two trips here, I still can't get over the color of the water. It's the most incredible shade of blue. So different from the blue of the ocean off the coast of Amalfi. Of course thoughts of Italy bring thoughts of Beck. I wonder what he's doing right now? Is he still there? Has he been writing? Has he forgiven me for waking him up in the middle of the night? So many questions.

"Are you done? How many pictures can you take of one spot?" Joe's impatient voice tears me away from my thoughts.

"I can take as many pictures as I want to. You got a hot date tonight or something?" I ask him as I turn and start walking towards him.

"Nope. I just want to get this over with as soon as possible," he says.

"No one stopping you. You can go back to your car right now if you want."

"Yeah, right, as if you're ready to throw in the towel."
"On some things I definitely am." Oops did I say that out loud? "No one is forcing you to go on this hike, Joe. If you want to leave, leave. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions."

"And you'll just continue on your own?" Why the hell does he sound so surprised at that idea?

"I'm not helpless, I think I can walk a couple of miles. It's not exactly rough terrain."

"You don't know what it's like further ahead," he points out. "Unless of course you've been here before, which is entirely possible. I definitely don't know when and where you've been the past few months."

I decide to ignore that sarcastic remark and simply start walking along the trail again, pausing to take more photos whenever I see something interesting. From the crunching leaves behind me, I'd say Mr. Ross is following.

After a few more feet I turn around and face him again. "You're a fine one to be making cracks about not knowing where I've been. You knew exactly where I was the whole summer. Except for a week or two in Italy I was in Oklahoma raising our children. You're the one who took off for places unknown without a word. To me or to Katy and Jack. Where the hell did you go Joe? Annie wanted us to talk, so damn it we're going to talk."

"You really want to have this conversation now? Here? "

"Yes damn it, I want to have this conversation now. There's nothing here to distract you. No kids around to overhear us fighting. No Morgan for you to run to. Just me."

"Fine," he says and drops his backpack on the ground. "I went to California to see Mel."

"Mel? You don't even like Mel," I say and try not to look completely surprised.

"Maybe I found out she's a good source of support for me. Maybe she understands what I've been going through better than anyone knows."

"Yeah, and maybe if I look into the sky I'll see pigs flying." I have to snort and snap the cap back on my camera.

"What's the big secret about your trip to Italy?" Joe counters, he probably thinks the change of subject will take the heat off him but I'm not going to let that happen. "I know you went with Beck, I also know Beck spent several days with you in Tulsa. Why the subterfuge? Why try to pretend you're not having a fling with him?" That one stings both of us. He probably thinks one of his best friends is guilty of putting the moves on me before the ink is even dry on our divorce papers.

I can't hold in my laughter. "Of course Beck and I are having an affair. In your mind anyway. It's impossible for you to believe I could actually be friends with any man, isn't it? You never believed it about Chris and me. Hell you probably thought every time my disagreements with Clay were of a romantic nature," I scoff.

"Well now that you bring it up," he shoots back.

Suddenly the view doesn't seem quite as entrancing and I'm wishing I'd taken up his earlier offer to go back to the car. Whatever possessed me to think the two of us could act like adults for a few hours and actually discuss our problems?

I think like that for about two minutes; then I want to stamp my foot and smack him. This is my vacation and I damn well want to see this waterfall. Its supposed to be one of the prettiest sights on the island and there's no way I'm going to let my cranky soon to be ex husband ruin this for me. I'm over halfway there already, and I'm not about to turn back.

Shouldering my camera I give him one more glare for the hell of it; then I march right past him, continuing on down the trail. He hesitates for just as long then he's scrambling right after me, his footfalls heavy on the trail.

"Not another word," I warn, tossing the words back over my shoulder. "I don't want to hear you yapping behind me, I just want to hear nature."

"You and me both." That lasts for about two seconds and he's right back at it. "For your information Mel was a big help to me, she helped me get my head on straight after Kent's death. She made me realize what was important and what wasn't."

"No doubt."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He all but runs to catch up with me, and steps into the lead, turning back around to look me in the eye. "You have no reason to think badly of Mel."

"Who said anything about thinking badly of Mel?" I say sweetly and my meaning is clear.

"You think I screwed her," Joe says, looking stunned.

"Well it wouldn't be the first time now would it? She is Katy's birth mother after all." As soon as the words are out of my mouth I get a sick feeling in my stomach. He was with Mel. Mel is Katy's mom. Does Joe hate me enough to try and talk Mel into giving him full custody? Suddenly I can't stand to be near him anymore. I have to get away from him. Pushing past him I start running down the trail, ignoring the beauty all around me.

"Pam, wait," I hear him calling behind me. "Pam!"

But I don't stop until the trail comes to an end and I'm finally at the waterfall. It's beautiful. Falling from the rocks high above me, the bottom obscured by a mist. The sound of it drowns out the sound of me crying.

******************

(JOE)

The falls thundering into the pool in front of us is a breathtaking sight, all of that water crashing down over the top of the cliff to forcefully drain into what looks like a perfectly round pool ringed on three sides by swaying palms and all kinds of tropical vegetation. It's as though we've come across the true Garden of Eden and I find myself wishing Pam would raise her camera to her eye and try to capture the sheer magnificence of the sight.

In front of us there are rocks and boulders strewn to the water's edge and as I start to climb that way I realize they're damp from the mist the falling water is causing. "Watch your step," I tell Pam. She's standing a few feet away, her back to me and it's not until she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a Kleenex that I realize she's been crying.

Damn. I hate this. I've come to realize our divorce is inevitable and in many ways probably the best thing we could do. But there's no reason for us to treat one another with such animosity. We've both made mistakes even though I know I'm guilty of the worst ones. Why do I let her get to me?

I should be able to turn the other cheek and let her comments just slide off me. Guess one of us is going to finally have to admit there are still some feelings left between us.

Pam turns around and looks at me. "So you went to see Mel. Did it ever occur to you that you could have turned to me? I knew what Kent meant to you. I knew how much you were hurting. Why couldn't you just once turn to me for the comfort and the understanding you needed. What was so special about her? Did you ask her to give you full custody of Katy? Do you hate me that much, Joe?"

That last question catches me by surprise. How can she even ask that? How can she even think that? I've been angry with her, irritated and exasperated by her, but I've never hated her.

And that's exactly what I tell her. "I don't hate you, Pam. If I did this whole mess would be a hell of a lot easier. And no we didn't discuss changing the standing agreement, I wouldn't do that to you or to Katy. She loves you."

I can see Pam breath a sigh of relief; she stands there for another minute before once again raising her camera to her eye to take pictures of the beauty around us. I can't help but watch her as she does. Watching her work I can't help but wonder what this trip would have been like if we hadn't made the mistakes we've made and were still a couple head over heels in love with each other. The biting comments I've made about her and other men were mostly made from jealousy. I'm well aware of what I've thrown away by not loving her enough.

If anyone in our relationship is guilty I'm the one who needs to stand up and raise his hand. But it's just not that easy. She's not the only one who's been hurt in all of this. Al l the times she turned to Chris instead of me come to mind. "Where does Chris fit in all this, Pam?" I ask. "It's easy for us to talk about my mistakes, and my infidelities-both real and assumed-but what about Chris? You've been treading an awfully thin line when it comes to that man."

"I expected this. I knew you'd have to mention him. No matter what the truth is, you always manage to turn things around so that they are Chris' fault. I've always said I felt as though there were three people in this marriage, Joe. I've always blamed Morgan for being the person standing between us but I think I've been wrong all this time. It's not Morgan after all, its Chris and it always has been. I swear you act like a jealous lover when it comes to him," she all but spits.

She's the second person to say that to me and this time I'm not going to take it sitting down. "That man has been a thorn in my side from day one!" I rage. "He couldn't be content stealing one wife from me; he had to lure you away as well."

"Oh for God's sakes! How many times have we had this damn argument? You haul it out every other fight, Joe. I'm sick of it, Joe. When are you ever going to face facts? Chris Gaines isn't responsible for %#+$%%% up your marriage to me; I never would have paid him an ounce of attention if my husband had put me first. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. If you'd put me first you might still have me, Joe!"

I could argue that I did put her first; that she was the most important person in my life, but that hasn't always been the truth and if there's one thing that's needed here, it's the truth.

"You're right I didn't always put you first. I let some one else get in the way of our marriage. Maybe more than one person," I admit.

"Why?"

"Because I always saw you as this strong, pulled together woman and I couldn't bear to be messed up or needy around you. I was afraid you'd look down on me or something, but Morgan is/was as damaged and !!@+!% up as I was. That's why I felt more comfortable turning to her."

"Sad thing is that I was a stronger more pulled together woman because of the love you gave me, Joe. It was your love that gave me that strength. But then you pulled it away. If you had given me half a chance, I would have been your champion, your rock. But you never gave me the chance. We promised to be there for each other in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. But you broke that promise, over and over again."

There's not much I can say to that so instead I look out at the pool of water, and I could swear it was lower when we first got here but maybe it's my imagination.

I look back toward Pam and she's decided she's had enough of this conversation. Camera in hand, she's balancing on one rock after another, working her way toward the end of the pond. One thing's for certain she's always had an independent streak about her. And unlike Morgan and her refusal to let anyone take charge, Pam was willing to yield once in a while.

Turning around I glance at the rest of our surroundings and realize I don't have to squint any more. It's gotten cloudy at some point; in fact from the look of those clouds I think the rain isn't far off. "Hey Pam," I turn back to where I last saw her. "I think it's going to rain, maybe we should think about heading back to the cars."

"In a minute. There are some pretty red flowers over here and I want to get a couple shots of them," she calls back in full photographer mode.

Setting my backpack down, I start rummaging through it trying to find the rain jacket I tucked in the bottom. Didn't think I'd really have to use it, but now I'm patting myself on the back for being prepared. As usual, I add under my breath and wonder if Pam bothered to tuck an umbrella or something into the bag she uses for her lenses and camera accessories.

A new noise intrudes on the silence of the glade and I frown, straightening up. What the heck is that? I look back toward the trail then at the water and realize I wasn't imagining things, it's definitely rising. And that roar….

"+@!#!" I swear and scramble to get the backpack straps over my arms, calling out at the same time to Pam. "Forget the flowers, Pam. Quick, get over here. Hurry! Pam now!" I gesture as she looks up and her look is one of pure annoyance.

I want to be mistaken but I know I'm not. There's a reason for the signs at the beginning of the trail and now I'm wishing I'd paid more attention to them. That noise, the sound of a freight train rushing this way can only mean one thing.

Flash flood.

*****************************

(PAM)

One minute I'm happily taking photos of the waterfall and the colorful plants alongside the edge of the pond and the next Joe is screaming at me to get off the rocks. What is his problem? Ignoring him proves to be more than a little difficult; he just won't be quiet. He keeps on hollering my name and next thing I know he's raced over to where I am and he's grabbing my arm. I almost lose my balance and its only when I dart a hand out and grab a fistful of his shirt that I'm able to right myself.

"Be careful, would you! These rocks are damp and they're slippery in case you haven't noticed!" I shout back and realize there's a heck of a noise coming from somewhere. Craning my head upwards I glance at the sky, fully expecting to see a helicopter hovering above us. But aside from a wall of clouds there's nothing.

"Water!" Joe gasps and I realize he's gesturing wildly, pointing to the right. "We have to get out of here." He jerks my arm again and this time I realize what he's talking about. That roar isn't fro many kind of plane, it's from a wall of water heading this way.

"Where are we going to go?" I ask him trying hard not to let the panic inside me get the best of me.

Joe looks around, then points towards the waterfall. "It looks like there is a ledge up there, we should aim for that."

I follow where his finger is pointing and it seems awfully high up.

"Joe I can't do that," I cry, I have a fear of heights; actually it's really not the height that scares me it's the thought of falling from a great height. It's probably that fear that is making the ledge seem higher than it is.

"We really don't have a choice sweetheart. If we stay here we'll drown." He's yelling to be heard over the sound of the rushing water.

"!@%+," is all I say as I sling my camera bag over my head so that I don't have to hold on to it. Joe takes the lead and I follow close behind him.

I slip several times and scrape my legs but I don't stop to look at how bad the damage is. There's isn't any time. The roar of the approaching water is a great motivator. I don't even want to even think about what will happen once we are up on that ledge, how long will it take for the water to go down?

Joe grasps my hand, pulling me along and when we get to the edge of t he pond he shoves me in front of him, telling me to climb. I'm not going to argue and I scramble upwards, reaching for vines and looking for footholds in the rock as I try to get to safety.

But its no use, I keep slipping on the slick surface and even though my heart is racing like crazy, I have to admit I'm defeated. Joe gives me a wild eyed look then tells me to move over so he can get past me. He doesn't seem to have much of a problem climbing and just as I'm starting to lose hope, he reaches for my hand again.

"Grab hold," he orders and I don't even hesitate. He's dangling a lifeline in front of me and I'm taking it.

I don't really know how we manage but just in the nick of time we scramble onto the narrow ledge just as the water finally reaches the clearing. Within seconds the water level of the pond rises until it's a churning, bubbling cauldron mere inches below us.

I'm mesmerized watching it, thinking that I could have been in that. There's no doubt in my mind that if we had stayed where we were we would both now be dead. What would happen to Katy and Jack? Who would raise them? What an idiot I was for coming on this damn hike. Now I'm stuck here. Away from my children wit h no idea when I'll see them again. I can't help it I start to cry.

"Hey it's okay. We're okay. We're safe," Joe whispers as he wraps his arms around me.

I had almost forgotten he was here.

Leaning into his embrace, I keep crying. I can't seem to stop. Joe rubs my back with his hand, the same way he does with the kids. He doesn't say anything just holds me until I can manage to pull myself together. "Guess this wasn't such a great idea, huh?" I finally say.

He pats my back again. "We didn't know this was going to happen, please don't beat yourself up. We're okay."

"We're stuck on a ledge with water all around us." I point out.

"Eventually it will go back down again. I'm the idiot, I noticed how wet the trail was, I should have paid more attention to the flash flood warnings posted at the start of the trail."

"There were signs?" I ask more sharply than I intend. I don't remember seeing any signs aside from the one that said how many miles to the falls.

Joe nods. "Yeah, there were signs."

Suddenly I am angry with him. He's good at this sort of thing, he's hiked practically all his life. How could he just ignore flash flood signs?

"You knew this could happen and we still went on this hike? Are you insane?" I ask him pushing myself out of his arms, getting as far away from him as I can; given the small space we are sitting on.

"I didn't set out on this hike knowing or hoping this would happen. I wanted us to talk but I didn't expect to end up stranded on this ledge."

"Well here we are. What should we talk about?" I ask him but he doesn't say a word, in fact he doesn't even glance in my direction, he just sits there silent as a stone.

So I scoot closer to him again, reach out and take his jaw in my hands and turn him around to face me.

He winces.

"Oh please I barely touched you." I scoff, then look closer at him, there are a couple fading bruises along his jaw line. What the hell? It only takes a minute for the light bulb to go off. "Oh for pete's sake are the two of you ever going to grow up?" There's only one person who could have left those bruises. Chris Gaines.

"He started it," is Joe's winning retort. He sounds an awful lot like Connor and Katy do when they're caught red handed.

I just cut him off, this isn't what I'm in the mood for right now. "I don't want to hear it. I don't care what you were fighting about. I don't want to hear it

"Good because I wasn't going to explain it anyway." He's annoyed now but I don't really care.

"Whatever," I snap. "It's not like anything will ever change with you. You're always going to be infatuated with another woman

"I'm not infatuated with Morgan." He scoffs.

Suddenly there is one answer I want and even though this is hardly the place to ask it, maybe its time I finally did. "Did you have sex with her, Joe? When you were playing house in Minnesota? And why were you there anyway?

He gives me a direct look and asks, "Do you really need to know the answer to that question? Because as I see i t we're officially separated and on our way to a divorce. You don't hear me asking you to name your recent partners."

"You're right, I don't really need to know. It's none of my business any more who you sleep with. The only reason I have to care about what or who you do anymore is how it affects Jack and Katy."

"Katy and Jack were in New York with your father."

I can't help the sad smile that crosses my face. He just answered my question without saying a word. I don't know who I feel worse for me or Chris. Probably Chris, I had no illusions about my marriage. He thinks his still has a chance. It won't do any one any good for me to point out that I was right so I just let it be.

"I know that Joe. I'm not talking about the past month or so, I meant from now on your life is none of my business, the only time we have to pretend to like each other is when the kids are around. I'm sure we're capable of being civil to each other for the few minutes it takes to hand them off every week."

How sad that it's come to this. Switching kids every other weekend. Barely tolerating each other.

"Do you really think I'd have to pretend to like you?" Joe asks.

"Yes." I answer honestly. The past few days notwithstanding, Joe has acted like he can barely stand the sight of me for a very long time.

"Then you don't know me very well at all," he replies with a shake of his head.

"Really?" I ask tilting my head as I look at him. "I think I do. You're the man that ordered a paternity test on our son, you're the man that called our marriage a *%$%%%% mistake, you're the man that when I needed some one to lean on when Griffin died you turned away, you're the man that when I wanted to comfort you after Kent died, called me a faithless, heartless #@*!@. You took off for God knows where, and didn't once call or email the kids. You're the man that every time you needed someone one to lean on you turned to another woman." I say and I'm barely holding in the tears again. Damn it, I didn't want to let him know how much all this still hurts. "Have you seen Chris' new video?" I ask changing the subject slightly.

"Yes. But what the hell does that have to do with anything?" he asks.

"You never once looked at me the way he looks at Morgan in that video. Not once. You say you like me, but there hasn't been much evidence of that. When you've looked at me when we pass the kids back and forth all I see in your eyes is coldness and irritation. So excuse me if I'm having a bit of trouble believing you like me."

I've always had the sneaking suspicion that the reason Joe married me was to provide a mother figure for his kids, particularly Katy. He hasn't exactly confirmed it but I think I've gotten a little more proof that's the truth. Turning away, I start blinking again, desperate to keep the tears at bay once more. He might have looked at our marriage as a good arrangement but I was head over heels in love with him when we got married. I've stood by him through cancer and alcoholism. And no matter how angry I am at him, it still hurts.

*****************

(PAM)

Tonight is Hank and Louise's anniversary party, and I'm feeling more than a little melancholy. They are celebrating forty years of wedded bliss and I'm about two months away from ending my marriage. I know it's the right thing to do, for both of us. But that doesn't mean I can't have a moment here and there over the ending of something that I went into with the highest of hopes. Taking a deep breath, I look at myself in the mirror and decide that I'm as ready as I'm going to be. A spritz of perfume and I walk out of the bathroom into the living room.

Beck is sitting on the couch reading a story to Katy and Jack. For a minute I stand there and watch the three of them together. Beck is dressed in khakis and a blue Hawaiian shirt. I'm beginning to think he doesn't own any other color shirt. He wears them a lot when he's reporting also. They do make his eyes stand out however. Katy has on a pink sundress with a matching headband. Jack is wearing a dark blue onesie and the cutest 'old man' shorts, as Joe likes to call them. The shorts are patterned with plaid stripes interspersed with flowers. The kids will be joining us for dinner but then Hank hired some babysitters to watch them while the adults' party.

I wasn't sure when Beck first showed up how this was going to work. But so far so good. He's been sleeping on the hide-a-bed, and when he needs to get dressed or shower the kids and I go outside until he's done to give him some privacy. It's been a little weird having him around. We're good friends, but we flirt a lot. He's kissed me once since he's been here, and it just about knocked my socks off again. Maybe there's just something wrong with me, maybe I'm a sex addict and I don't even know it. It does seem that every guy I've met in the past few years has had that ability. Then again look at the guys I've kissed, Chris, Joe, Declan and now Beck. Talk about hunks. I shake my head and decide not to think about it too much.

"And they lived happily ever after...." Beck finishes the story and closes the book. He looks up and catches me watching him, a sexy smile slides across his face when he sees what I'm wearing. I bought this dress in New York after Hank invited me here. It's a red silk with flowers sprinkled here and there, strapless, knee length, and the back has a little bit of a corset effect.

"You look pretty Mommy." Katy says.

"Thank you Katy," I tell her. "You guys ready to go?"

"Yep, let's get this party started." Katy says excitedly as she jumps to her feet, making me crack up.

Beck stands up with Jack, I'm expecting him to hand the baby to me but he holds on to him. Picking up Jack's diaper bag and taking Katy's hand we make our way out of the cottage, when I stop to lock the front door, Beck leans over and whispers, "You look beautiful."

"Thank you." I think I could get used to these kinds of compliments. It's just what a girl needs to boost her feelings.

We arrive at the party a few minutes later to find that just about everyone else has arrived before us. As usual Jack is passed from relative to relative as Beck and I circulate. The clearing in front of the cottages has been turned into party central, there are paper lanterns of various colors hung in the trees, there are tables decorated with flowers, and tiki torches around the perimeter. It's a beautiful setting for a celebration. And Hank and Louise are in the midst of it all, holding court. Their wide smiles alone tell quite the story.

I can't resist making a beeline for the two of them. "Congratulations. Here's to many more years of celebrations."

Louise gives me a kiss, then Hank stands up and gives me a hug. "Wish we could say the same to you," he whispers. "I'm guessing you and my no-good brother haven't figured out a reconciliation?"

"Unfortunately no." If anyone else asked me that question I'd tell them to mind their own business. But one thing I've learned about my brother in law over these past few years, he truly wishes the same happiness he and Louise have for every couple.

"We will always consider you part of our family," Louise tells me. "I hope you know you're welcome anytime."

I expect I'll be continuing to get invitations to every family event from now one, just like Morgan always has despite being divorced from Joe for years. I'm flattered; I love the family I married into. But I'm not sure I want to be part of the e-wives club at every Ross family function. To Louise I simply say, "Thank you. That means a lot."

We talk a little bit about the kids and how much fun they are having on this trip. I feel someone come up behind me and my "Spidey Sense" tells me that it isn't Beck.

"Thought you might be afraid to show your face tonight after the drubbing you got in golf earlier today." Hank ribs Joe.

"The only reason you won is because you're a sandbagger," Joe shoots back at him.

Louise just shakes her head. "You two are never going to grow up. It's been the same for the past forty years. Some things never change."

I excuse myself before Joe can say anything to me; we said pretty much everything that needed saying up on that ledge and at dinner later that night. There's someone else I'd much rather spend my time with.

"I was just looking for you," Beck says as we meet near the bar. "Do you think we could slip away for a bit, we never got around to having that talk the other day."

"Dinner won't be for awhile yet." Looking around I see that both Katy and Jack are being well taken care of. "Sure, I don't think we'll be missed for a bit."

Beck slides his hand in mine and we find a spot along the edge of the clearing where=2 0I can still see the kids but we are out of the main traffic flow.

"What's up?" I ask him, wondering why he looks so serious.

He starts haltingly. "I don't know….I'm not really sure if I have any right to ask you this but…." He stops short staring off into space for a long moment.

"You can ask me anything, Beck. Worse that happens is I refuse to answer but I just can't picture me saying no to you about very many things." Hell I may as well be honest with the man. I've learned an awful lot about the value of that trait in a relationship; any relationship.

"Okay. I guess I just want to know. What I'm really asking…. *++#!" He swears and runs a hand over his face. "I sound like a mumbling idiot. Look, I just want to know where things stand between you and Joe. I know the divorce isn't final yet and the two of you did go for dinner together the other night."

"That's true," I allow.

"Was it just dinner?"

He looks so uncomfortable I want to laugh. Wouldn't the producers at the network just love to see this side of their star reporter? "Well we did have dinner. Definitely."

He just stares at me, that penetrating gaze of his working even if he is having trouble with words.

"It was just dinner Beck. After what we went through earlier, I think we wanted to celebrate making it out alive. Joe and I are done as a couple."

Is there a look of relief on his face?

"Are you sure? You looked awfully excited to be going out to dinner with him? You certainly looked like a woman going out on a date."

Is he jealous? I thought we were just friends, he told me he wasn't read for anything else yet here he is giving me the third degree just like a jealous lover. I'm confused, and maybe just a tad bit excited about what this could mean.

If he wants more of an explanation, I'm more than happy to give it to him. I continue, "When we were on the hike and we could hear that awful roar of water rushing towards us, I was scared to death. I tried to climb, but I kept slipping. Finally Joe pushed past me and ended up practically dragging me up on that ledge. We had made it, I was shaking and scared. Joe calmed me down; we talked for the first time in a long time. He finally admitted that he had never loved me the way he loved Morgan." There's still some pain involved when I think about that, but it's not the slashing pain that it used to be. Taking a deep breath, I add, "We forgave each other. And then we kissed."

I can't help glancing around the area and I spot Sydney almost diagonal from where Beck and I are standing. She seems to be awfully interested in what's going on over here and I can't resist being just a little evil; angling myself a little more toward Beck. From her vantage we hopefully look like two lovers sneaking away for a little private time.

That's definitely not a foreign idea. I think I could get used to be involved with Beck Wilson rather quickly. But I still haven't ascertained if he's of the same mind and this is one time I don't want to be jumping to conclusions. "I think it was more of a farewell kiss than anything else. At dinner it never came up, we chatted about the kids and this family get-together and the food, that's about all."

"That's all," Beck repeats and I automatically have this image in my mind of a trained parrot mimicking its owner's every word.

Grinning to myself, I nod. "That's it. Just two friends having a pleasant dinner." I can't resist a little jab at another former Mrs. Ross. "Come to think of it, if you want proof that there's nothing else going on between Joe and I you should look at how we parted. We may have shared a kiss but when he was divorcing Morgan he shared a hell of a lot more with her when those divorce papers came in."

Beck blinks then slowly shakes his head. "Not nice, but I think you've made your point. And I guess I really only have one thing to say to that."

"Oh?" Now he's got me curious.

"Actually its not so much words I have in mind." He lowers his voice and steps closer to me, his hand slipping down my arm.

"Tell me more," I whisper back.

And the man listens, letting his lips do the talking. It's quite the conversation and I stop wondering what Sydney or anyone else is thinking. The only person that matters right now is the man who's kissing me.

*****************

(JOE)

"To Hank and Louise, you've shown the rest of us what love and devotion truly mean. Your relationship is the kind of relationship we all dream of and hope for. Here's to many, many more years of happiness!" I hold my glass up and lead everyone in a toast to my brother and sister in law. If the sea of smiling faces is any indication I think I've summed up everyone's feelings rather nicely.

Too bad I don't have a clue how it feels to be in a relationship like theirs. I think I've given up hope of ever finding one either. I've screwed up my last marriage. Being a Dad and figuring out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life will just have to suffice.

Logan is the next one to stand up, beer in hand. "Mom and Dad, you gave me a wonderful example of what marriage should be, it's part of the reason it took me so long to find the right girl. Dad, I hope that I can be half the husband to Sydney that you've been to Mom. Congratulations, Mom and Dad." He takes a quick sip of his beer and I swear it's as if I can feel that cold liquid going down my own throat.

Okay, I need to stop thinking like this. Taking a quick sip from my own glass of cola, I set it down on one of the tables and go to congratulate Hank and Louise once more. As I hug Louise, I tell them both, "I meant every word I said. You two are an example to all of us."

Louise whispers, "Don't be so disappointed in yourself, Joe. One of these days you're going to find the right woman."

"Can you promise t hat?" I'm only half joking, wondering if may be, just maybe, she has a direct pipeline to Cupid. Her and Hank have been together since they were in high school and I wonder if she realizes things are a lot more complicated these days. There's no way I'd ever say that to her thought, she'd just swat me and tell me true love is never complicated. She obviously hasn't seen love from my perspective.

The first time I truly fell in love the woman was in love with some one else the whole time. Then the second time I never truly gave that woman my whole heart. But hey isn't the third time supposed to be the charm? Yah right, where in the world am I going to find a woman to take me on now that I'm fifty and have five children and a couple grandchildren. Dream on there, Ross.

"Of course I can," Louise answers. "You just need to stop looking for it and let it sneak up on you when you are least expecting it."

"From your lips to God's ears," I tell her.

Walking away from the happy couple, I look around the small crowd trying to find my current almost ex. We had a great time at dinner the other night maybe she will keep me company tonight. It's too late to do anything about it but I'm starting to realize that I miss her. A quick check tells me the kids are all with the babysitters so that's one less worry. A quick correction, four less worries, I remind myself. At least Annie can take care of herself. I spot her a few tables away and she waggles her fingers at me; then blows a kiss. She's proven time and time again that she's a hell of a lot smarter than her old man. She's happily married and content with her life. I could probably take a few lessons from her. I blow a kiss back, and decide not to interrupt what looks like an entertaining conversation between her, Tom, Laurie and her husband.

Another scan of the crowd and I finally spot Pam, her blonde hair in soft curls against her bare back and my fingers start itching, remembering what it's like to feel those silky locks against my own skin. That memory is quickly squashed when another set of fingers appears, tugging at a curl. I take another step forward and watch as Beck Wilson bends his head, his mouth near Pam's ear. He whispers something that makes her laugh then before she even stops laughing, he's kissing her.

It's like watching a car wreck, you know you're going to see something that you really don't want to see but you can't help watching in spite of that. His arm slides around her back coming to rest just where the material of her dress ends. I know what he's thinking, that her skin feels smooth as silk but much, much warmer. Pam melts into the kiss, her body inching closer to his.

I don't know which hurts more: seeing my wife kissing another man the way she used to kiss me or knowing that the man she's kissing is someone I've considered a very good friend for years. I don't really even have the right to feel this way, God knows I treated Pam like crap through most of our marriage; I should be happy that she's already found a really great guy to get over me with.

Right. Like I'm ever going to feel that way. Fact is I was married to the woman, I still AM married to the woman and Beck is one of my best friends. And it feels like he's moving in on my territory and all I want to do is slug him. Fingers still itching, I force myself to look away and find something else to occupy my attention.

But to tell the truth, I really don't feel like sticking around here right now. I don't want to be the downer who ruins Hank and Louise's celebration and that's exactly what I'll be if I stay here. Plunging my hands into my pockets I feel the keys to my rental car. Now there's a solution. I'll go for a drive, clear my head, and be back in time to tuck the kids into bed.

Sounds like a plan. With one last look at the crowd, I slip away to the parking lot and within minutes I'm cruising along the coast road, the wind in my hair, the radio cranked up and if I'm really, really lucky I won't hear a single Chris Gaines song the entire time.

And the first song definitely isn't by him, instead I recognize Toby Keith's distinctive voice and reach over to turn the volume up.

Maybe you were right, maybe I could have changed
Sittin' here alone tonight thinkin' 'bout a lot of things
What's a man to say when all the questions start
Hell, I know deep down inside my broken heart

Could've tried just a little bit harder
Kissed you just a little bit sweeter
Held on just a little bit longer
Dug down just a little bit deeper
Let the world revolve around you
And given you the stars above
Loved you just enough to make you stay
And I'd lost you anyway

If I pay strict attention to those lyrics I'd be a little consoled that it was inevitable for Pam and I to break up, even if I'd tried harder. I know I'm mostly to blame for the break up of our marriage and I'm finally at a place where I can admit that. It's probably little consolation for Pam-and all the effort she put into loving me - that I'm finally owning up.

I hate it when it's like this, baby it's like that now
Nothing I can say to you, you even care to talk about
How you gonna dress it up, wrap it in a pretty bow
When it's gone, it's one for good, baby at least I know

Could've tried just a little bit harder
Kissed you just a little bit sweeter
Held on just a little bit longer
Dug down just a little bit deeper
Let the world revolve around you
And given you the stars above
Loved you just enough to make you stay
And I'd lost you anyway

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have regrets. I owe Pam so much more than I gave her and the fact she doesn't hate me on sight says an awful lot about the kind of woman she is.

Great, the whole reason I'm supposed to be taking this drive is so I don't spent the rest of the evening driving myself nuts thinking about all the things I could have done better during my marriage to Pam. And what am I doing? Just that. Reaching over I flip to a different radio station and pray once more that I don't hear any Gaines songs.

But I'm really not going to find that out if my cell phone doesn't stop ringing. Why did I even turn the damn thing on? Logan or Hank has probably noticed my absence and are going to try to lure me back to the party. Reaching over to the passenger seat, I grab the phone and flip it open; pressing it against my ear as I say, "The number you have reached is not in service, please leave a message and I may or may not get back to you."

"Joe?" I hear a distinctly non male voice ask.

"Morgan?" I ask.

"Yes it's me," she replies.

"Hold on a second let me pull over." There's an overlook up ahead. I pull into the far end of the parking area avoiding the two or three cars that are already parked. "Okay what's up sweetheart?" I ask her as I put the car into park. It's dark out, but there is a great view of the city of Honolulu from here.

"I screwed up again," Morgan says quietly, but I can hear the strain in her voice.

"What happened?"

Of course there's silence on the other end. The perfect way to get Morgan to shut up? Ask her a question.

*'Lost You Anyway' by Toby Keith. Written by Toby Keith and Bobby Pinson. Off the 2008 CD ' That Don't Make Me a Bad Guy'.

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